Ren (obsessical) wrote,
Ren
obsessical

  • Music:

this is no time for proper capitilization

I know I haven't posted in forever and this is the worst update possible, but I've got too much to say to fit in a tweet.

I just found "Time to Pretend" from MGMT on a tracklist I downloaded from a fucking fanmix (a kirk/bones one, it's totally sadly pathetic) and it sounded so familiar that I had to google what movie it was in. And it was in How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, that's why I remember it! But oh god, I can't stop listening to it. Just over and over again. I've already put it on my "Writing" playlist which, in terms of my music selection, is a pretty prestigious place to be. I bet all the other tracks are jealous of it.

But god, this song sounds like I've known it forever. I can't understand that it's not been on all the mixes I've made people, that I've never driven with my windows down in the cold at night, listening to this with the Britt, not singing along but just grinning our stupid faces off. It fits so squarely into my whole post-high school summer experience, that I can't understand how it's just entering my life right now. It makes me feel ways about stuff.

I know this post is over dramatic, and it's because I'm in an over dramatic mood. Before I got this song, i was listening to the mix CD pipry23 made me ages ago, which got me started on Wheatus and is filled with so many lovely musical bits. Practically all of it is on my "writing" playlist, which speaks AGES for its caliber.

I was grabbing some chapstick from my pocket this evening (stupid freezing cold Boston) and the music coupled with my activity made me ache, ache for a certain lip-ringed ever-Chapstick-applying idealistic little Christian from my youth. Y'all remember this idiot, right? A solid year (well, off and on for a LIFETIME) pining for him, and I know, I know he'd love this song and I'm too scared to share it with him because, though he promised me otherwise, things ARE different and we really aren't friends any longer. Which is never something I would have expected my senior year of high school. That a mere FOUR YEARS LATER (3.5, really, ms. graduating early) I wouldn't want to talk to him. That this time 2.5 years ago, we were sitting in the diner catching up, and he bought me Star Wars Transformers ("it's like your favorite two things combined!") and he knew the SECRET reason (him him him) I named my car Cohen, and we wrote each other sprawling notes on our graduation cards about how we'd always be friends, and how our lives couldn't be the same without each other ("you've been around the longest, kid, and you'll always be a part of this").

Did I tell you he's an atheist now? And I had to find out on Facebook. I couldn't help it, I indignantly messaged him "Since when?" and he responded with that cliched bullshit about how college had opened his eyes and gee, wasn't I just right all along about God and Jesus and all that? (which isn't even true, i told you if you'd bothered to listen that there's something else there) And dear god, it stung so hard and I couldn't stop the frustrated tears that welled up for a fleeting moment, and then I blinked them back and told myself that it didn't matter anyway. (he wouldn't have loved you and even if he had, would you have wanted it?) I tried to tell my dad, in so many words, how angry I was, how I was hurt by this, and angry that I was hurt by this, by his on-point rejection of me, even after all this time. I'm not sure he quite understood, but he was supportive and I have to appreciate that.

I knew this rambling bit of what not would turn out longer than I thought, I should be asleep and my life is going to change so drastically so soon, but I think that maybe I can take this song and lie on the hood of my car, look at the stars, and smoke cigarettes until everything is okay again.
Tags: boys, music, writing
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