Ren (obsessical) wrote,

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My failed attempts to be some sort of Catholic...

So, things have been pretty weird for me since I finished school. Mainly, I moved back in with my parents, which is tough because while I appreciate the free room and board, food, and love that they give me....there are lots of restrictions and I kinda hate this town. Also, I STILL HAVEN'T SOLD MY APARTMENT so I'm paying $700 a month to not live in a shitty apartment in Boston. Where I had a job. I'm not sure if staying would have been better at this point, but it's very emotionally and financially draining.

I still don't have a job, and I have to say, I think I could be working harder on my job search. It has been forever since I've had a summer, and that's what this feels like to me. It's so easy to sit back and relax for the first time in a long while, especially since Joe is around without a job, having graduated early like myself. I go to Trivia every week, I laze around in the mornings and hang out with Joe in most of the evenings. I spent AN EXORBITANT amount of time on Livejournal. Which might seem hard to believe, if you looked at the last time I've actually POSTED, but it's true. I've joined ontd_startrek which is an AMAZING community. I've already met a lot of awesome people, learned things, shared hilarious macros and gifs and really just "hung out" with some chill people who dig Trek as much as I do. I check kirk_mccoy for new fanfiction at least twice a day, and am constantly re-reading fics I really liked, instead of writing anything of my own. (Or even reading the screenplay a friend asked me to look over IN NOVEMBER). My procrastination is seriously affecting my life. This is what I always do: I put all my eggs in one basket, I put things off until the need to do them is gone, the window closes, and I move on to procrastinating something else. I keep telling myself I'll change but I won't. I know that I won't. I spend hours and hours each day doing absolutely nothing productive AT ALL. Simple tasks get put off, and put off, and my parents come home and are visibly frustrated with me.

I am depressed a lot of the time, and I've been drinking a little more than I normally do. I cry because I'm lonely, and clingy, and everyone around me seems to be so happy while I'm so miserable. I want so badly to better myself but I just can't make myself and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm falling into a lazy but comfortable routine and soon I'll be stuck in this rut and twenty-seven and living with my parents still, doing nothing with my college education and throwing away all the big dreams I had. I want to lose weight, I want to quit smoking, I want to get a real job and not a shitty retail one. I want to move out and live somewhere that's my own own place. I want to visit Canada (and pipry23) and England and L.A. again, I want to go down to Florida to see my grandparents. I kept saying, "Once I'm done school, then I'll really get to do what I want," but all I'm doing is wasting my time and wasting my youth. This is the time in my life when I should be taking chances and being spontaneous and I'm just sitting on my ass. It's absolutely ridiculous.

The reason I'm writing about all of this here isn't just to get it off my chest. It's an explanation for my further absence: I'm giving up LJ for Lent. I think this is a good place to start. I'm not sure if it's something I want to cut from my life completely (I really all the amazing friends I've made here, and I love getting to learn about your lives through this medium) but this is a step I need to take. HOWEVER, I do not want to lose you guys! I'll still be on Twitter and Facebook and email so I hope you'll still communicate with me. I'm also quitting smoking by March 1st (at the latest). And I'm going to try to eat better, work out more, and drink less. And hopefully, with the absence of LJ for at LEAST forty(ish) days, I will accomplish the things that are on my To-Do list, and really start being better.

Is this too melodramatic? Probably. And feel free to comment (I get my comments emailed to me so I can read them without "relapsing.")

TL;DR: I'm giving up LJ for Lent. See y'all on Easter, probably.
Tags: bitching, family, friends, internet, life, lj, self-loathing
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