luke needs therapy

My failed attempts to be some sort of Catholic...

So, things have been pretty weird for me since I finished school. Mainly, I moved back in with my parents, which is tough because while I appreciate the free room and board, food, and love that they give me....there are lots of restrictions and I kinda hate this town. Also, I STILL HAVEN'T SOLD MY APARTMENT so I'm paying $700 a month to not live in a shitty apartment in Boston. Where I had a job. I'm not sure if staying would have been better at this point, but it's very emotionally and financially draining.

I still don't have a job, and I have to say, I think I could be working harder on my job search. It has been forever since I've had a summer, and that's what this feels like to me. It's so easy to sit back and relax for the first time in a long while, especially since Joe is around without a job, having graduated early like myself. I go to Trivia every week, I laze around in the mornings and hang out with Joe in most of the evenings. I spent AN EXORBITANT amount of time on Livejournal. Which might seem hard to believe, if you looked at the last time I've actually POSTED, but it's true. I've joined ontd_startrek which is an AMAZING community. I've already met a lot of awesome people, learned things, shared hilarious macros and gifs and really just "hung out" with some chill people who dig Trek as much as I do. I check kirk_mccoy for new fanfiction at least twice a day, and am constantly re-reading fics I really liked, instead of writing anything of my own. (Or even reading the screenplay a friend asked me to look over IN NOVEMBER). My procrastination is seriously affecting my life. This is what I always do: I put all my eggs in one basket, I put things off until the need to do them is gone, the window closes, and I move on to procrastinating something else. I keep telling myself I'll change but I won't. I know that I won't. I spend hours and hours each day doing absolutely nothing productive AT ALL. Simple tasks get put off, and put off, and my parents come home and are visibly frustrated with me.

I am depressed a lot of the time, and I've been drinking a little more than I normally do. I cry because I'm lonely, and clingy, and everyone around me seems to be so happy while I'm so miserable. I want so badly to better myself but I just can't make myself and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm falling into a lazy but comfortable routine and soon I'll be stuck in this rut and twenty-seven and living with my parents still, doing nothing with my college education and throwing away all the big dreams I had. I want to lose weight, I want to quit smoking, I want to get a real job and not a shitty retail one. I want to move out and live somewhere that's my own own place. I want to visit Canada (and pipry23) and England and L.A. again, I want to go down to Florida to see my grandparents. I kept saying, "Once I'm done school, then I'll really get to do what I want," but all I'm doing is wasting my time and wasting my youth. This is the time in my life when I should be taking chances and being spontaneous and I'm just sitting on my ass. It's absolutely ridiculous.

The reason I'm writing about all of this here isn't just to get it off my chest. It's an explanation for my further absence: I'm giving up LJ for Lent. I think this is a good place to start. I'm not sure if it's something I want to cut from my life completely (I really all the amazing friends I've made here, and I love getting to learn about your lives through this medium) but this is a step I need to take. HOWEVER, I do not want to lose you guys! I'll still be on Twitter and Facebook and email so I hope you'll still communicate with me. I'm also quitting smoking by March 1st (at the latest). And I'm going to try to eat better, work out more, and drink less. And hopefully, with the absence of LJ for at LEAST forty(ish) days, I will accomplish the things that are on my To-Do list, and really start being better.

Is this too melodramatic? Probably. And feel free to comment (I get my comments emailed to me so I can read them without "relapsing.")

TL;DR: I'm giving up LJ for Lent. See y'all on Easter, probably.
tim and daisy sad

this is no time for proper capitilization

I know I haven't posted in forever and this is the worst update possible, but I've got too much to say to fit in a tweet.

I just found "Time to Pretend" from MGMT on a tracklist I downloaded from a fucking fanmix (a kirk/bones one, it's totally sadly pathetic) and it sounded so familiar that I had to google what movie it was in. And it was in How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, that's why I remember it! But oh god, I can't stop listening to it. Just over and over again. I've already put it on my "Writing" playlist which, in terms of my music selection, is a pretty prestigious place to be. I bet all the other tracks are jealous of it.

But god, this song sounds like I've known it forever. I can't understand that it's not been on all the mixes I've made people, that I've never driven with my windows down in the cold at night, listening to this with the Britt, not singing along but just grinning our stupid faces off. It fits so squarely into my whole post-high school summer experience, that I can't understand how it's just entering my life right now. It makes me feel ways about stuff.

I know this post is over dramatic, and it's because I'm in an over dramatic mood. Before I got this song, i was listening to the mix CD pipry23 made me ages ago, which got me started on Wheatus and is filled with so many lovely musical bits. Practically all of it is on my "writing" playlist, which speaks AGES for its caliber.

I was grabbing some chapstick from my pocket this evening (stupid freezing cold Boston) and the music coupled with my activity made me ache, ache for a certain lip-ringed ever-Chapstick-applying idealistic little Christian from my youth. Y'all remember this idiot, right? A solid year (well, off and on for a LIFETIME) pining for him, and I know, I know he'd love this song and I'm too scared to share it with him because, though he promised me otherwise, things ARE different and we really aren't friends any longer. Which is never something I would have expected my senior year of high school. That a mere FOUR YEARS LATER (3.5, really, ms. graduating early) I wouldn't want to talk to him. That this time 2.5 years ago, we were sitting in the diner catching up, and he bought me Star Wars Transformers ("it's like your favorite two things combined!") and he knew the SECRET reason (him him him) I named my car Cohen, and we wrote each other sprawling notes on our graduation cards about how we'd always be friends, and how our lives couldn't be the same without each other ("you've been around the longest, kid, and you'll always be a part of this").

Did I tell you he's an atheist now? And I had to find out on Facebook. I couldn't help it, I indignantly messaged him "Since when?" and he responded with that cliched bullshit about how college had opened his eyes and gee, wasn't I just right all along about God and Jesus and all that? (which isn't even true, i told you if you'd bothered to listen that there's something else there) And dear god, it stung so hard and I couldn't stop the frustrated tears that welled up for a fleeting moment, and then I blinked them back and told myself that it didn't matter anyway. (he wouldn't have loved you and even if he had, would you have wanted it?) I tried to tell my dad, in so many words, how angry I was, how I was hurt by this, and angry that I was hurt by this, by his on-point rejection of me, even after all this time. I'm not sure he quite understood, but he was supportive and I have to appreciate that.

I knew this rambling bit of what not would turn out longer than I thought, I should be asleep and my life is going to change so drastically so soon, but I think that maybe I can take this song and lie on the hood of my car, look at the stars, and smoke cigarettes until everything is okay again.
edgar laugh

(no subject)

I marched on Washington for EQUALITY. I also have many stories of debauchery, gay bars, gay sex, drinking, being soooo fucking tired, straight sex, actually CONNECTING with another human being while SOBER (i know, right!) and lots of amazing pictures of dinosaur skeletons and quirky signs and how Abraham Lincoln was gay. but I am so! very! tired! right now but if you ask me I will be glad to tell you. Eventually I will post pictures and the entire awesome story, because I really want this down for the record. I still kick myself for not detailing my meeting-Edgar-and-Matt-Stone-weekend in super detail, so I'm SO GONNA get this one down and upload all my awesome pictures.

Nag the crap out of me if you don't see this up by Friday kthx.

EDIT: The pictures are up on FACEBOOK and the details of my exploits will be up soon, I promise. But my parents are visiting this weekend and last thing I need is them looking over my shoulder while I type dirty things. Because oh, these stories will have dirty bits. I'll give those faint of heart a cut or warning or something.

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    Cyndi Lauper - all through the night
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tmbg loud


Inspired by a long conversation with a professor today (that went off track of Camp and Cult into a discussion about adult swim, Kevin Smith, Futurama, and finally Matt and Trey), I listened to some good ol' DVDA on the way home. They do a mean cover of Primus' Sgt. Baker, which made me think: Fuck, I love covers. I mean, I try to "collect" them, almost, in my search for both good and bad covers. I decided, since I have so many, that I'd make a list of some of my absolute favorites, and share them with you folk. (These are in no particular order).

Sgt. Baker - DVDA
Originally by: Primus

I figured this was a good place to start. It's a shitty copy because it's from a live concert (these fuckers couldn't be bothered to get in a studio; their album is cobbled together from South Park, Team America, and live songs from one of the like, two or three concerts they did), but they gave the song such an amazing, jazzy quality. A song about gays in the military (kinda?) sounds almost...funky. I remember how disappointed I was when I found the Primus song lacking so many of the things I loved about the DVDA cover. The hooky bass line, Trey's warbling solos, Matt's sexy "Yesssahhh" amazing! Although you have to give Primus credit for "Steers and queers, steers and queers / Where you come from there's just steers and queers / And you ain't got no horns, boy"

Smooth Criminal - Alien Ant Farm
Originally by: Michael Jackson

After his death, it seems a little blasphemous to say, but I like this version better! It's also the first version I heard, when I was in middle school. Alien Ant Farm only had two songs that I knew, one being this cover, but shit if they weren't really good. This song was actually on the first CD I ever burned with songs from my computer. Maybe it's just because this song reminds me of the memories I have at dances in my middle school cafeteria, but I always dug this song. Not to cheapen the Michael Jackson version, because that is pretty awesome, and a little more haunting. This one just appealed more to the thirteen year-old me.

Crazy - Alanis Morissette
Originally by: Seal

Now I have to say, when I first heard that Alanis had covered one of my favorite Seal songs, I was pretty bummed. Because it really just seemed to come out of left field. It was when I was pretty unhappy with what she was doing with her music (Jagged Little Pill acoustic, really?) and I thought this would be another strange shitfest. I saw a bit of the weird video where she made herself look so overtly sexy, which was so unlike her. But when I truly gave this song a listen, I fell in love with it. Her voice is so amazing. The shouting behind the chorus in the Seal version is subtle, but she brings it to the foreground with such an intensity! She will always be one of my favorite musicians, always have such an intense and personal meaning to me, so I might be bias. I do love the Seal version, and hers is absolutely up to par with it. It's also worth mentioning that her cover of My Humps is hysterical, but not one of my favorites, so it's not on the list. You should check it out (and the video), though.

When You Were Mine - Cyndi Lauper
Originally by: Prince

I know you're probably thinking, "REN LOVES A COVER OF A PRINCE SONG BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL??" But I didn't say that. (Shhh don't tell prince). No, Prince's version is great, but since Cyndi actually released this first, I think it's okay to enjoy this version without feeling guilty, haha. One thing I've always liked about Cyndi Lauper is that she doesn't change gender pronouns when covering a song. I think that gives this love triangle song even more depth. The synth in this song is amazing, and it manages to stay upbeat while being incredibly depressing. I attribute this mostly to Cyndi's heartbreaking vocals. She sings so well about being hurt and being taken advantage of, it stings a little bit to listen to. At times she sounds close to tears, and that makes this a really amazing, powerful cover.

When You Were Mine - Tegan and Sara
Originally by: Prince

Yes, I have three different versions of this song. Hell, I'd love more. Tegan and Sara took this song and stripped it down to an angry guitar and some amazing harmonies. Their vocals are more raw than Cyndi (or Prince, for that matter), so they still lend some amazing emotion to the song. (How many times will I say 'amazing' during this post? A lot.) This version of the song is less like Prince's version, but I'm okay with that. When Cyndi sings it, she sounds victimized and hurt. Tegan and Sara sound pisssed the fuck off. It's a really great spin on an already great song. I like to think this is a cover of Cyndi's version, really. Either way, it definitely deserves to be on this list.

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So yeah! Those are my favorite covers. Please, take them so you can enjoy them at your leisure! Spread 'em around! Let me know if any of the links are broken! And please, if you have any awesome covers of your own to share, leave 'em in the comments! I'm always on board for some new, exciting covers.

I know it's not a substantial life update, but music posts are fun. My life's kinda boring at the moment. But tomorrow's my birthday! I'ma be 22, dear god. I'm graduating in December. I am so not ready for this shit. I'm still immature and ridiculous. Guess everybody's gotta grow up sometime. But not tonight. Tonight I'm gonna listen to Wheatus and eat Doritos in bed and maybe get some work done if I really put my mind to it. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll grow up.
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    Wheatus - Real Girl
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edgar splits


Collapse )

AUUUGGHHH EDGAR TALKED TO MEEEE. And it was kinda about sex, which makes it even better! He's one of the flirtiest people I've ever met (and I have met him, so ha ha!) I knew being up at 2:45 in the morning was going to work out for me. I was really just up trying to watch the damn episode of the Simpsons that's got Macca in it. Couldn't stream it anywheres, so figured I'd wait to download. I am so far behind on my Edgar info, I didn't even realize he HAD a twitter until a few days ago! This is the second time Edgar has responded to me on the intarwebs. I know this is basically insignificant, as he's like KSmith in that he likes twitter-replying people, but it still gives me a warm, gooey feeling. Makes me want to reacquaint myself with the Peggster forum gals with whom I used to swoon over Edgar. Le sigh. I really only stopped going on Peggster everyday because my username stopped working. Then randomly, it started again, but by that time I was so far gone that I kinda didn't feel like wading through back entries. I kinda wanna print out this twitter convo and staple it to my face. Is that weird?

Speaking of weird, had a weirdo dream about vampires, probably because I've been catching up on True Blood. It involved my best friend being a vampire (now there's a blast from the past, anyone remember that film?) and sexy times. And biting. All in all, rather disturbing. Sex dreams about my best friend are rare (I've had two or three, I think?) but extra disturbing, because I don't have feelings for him. This is what I'm telling myself. For the good of the colony, and oppressed ants everywhere. I do often have dreams where he saves me from falling off things to my death. That's not weird, right?

This entry was only supposed to be that image and me squealing. I'm gonna look at it a million more times before I go to sleep. I'm leaving for Boston soon, and I'll give y'all a long update once I get settled back into my domain.
Sticky Tape Ghost

11 weeks!

My journal hasn't been updated in 11 weeks, LJ tells me. That's just sad. Let me quickly sum up this summer:

Internship, internship, internship. Logging tapes, copying movies, logging more tapes, logging transcripts, feeling crappy, but learning. Living with Chris and Becky. HATING HATING HATING WOMEN (especially her). Missing my friends, NO CELL PHONE RECEPTION, feeling crappy, two months missing TJ, waiting for his emails, hurt when he won't come visit. Going stir crazy, McDonald's and DVDs and every season of Friends. Lots of twitter. Lots. Abandoning secret word of the day, witnessing so much crazy, SO MUCH CRAZY from this woman trying to pressure my brother into marriage, hundreds, thousands of cigarettes, thousand of tapes to log. Hanging with Hadley, my somewhat mentor, bursts of crocheting, Little Caesar's pizza, feeling like high school again, jeans and t-shirts, jeans and t-shirts, seeing Cartoon Network, god damn Atlanta is SO SO HOT. Yearning for Boston, yearning for my shitty apartment (that's MINE), being able to eat, not catering to a much worse version of my mother. Wanting to call my friends, to go DO something, hearing stories of all my PA friends getting together, even the Britt coming down from Ohio, to hang out. FORGETTING THE BRITT'S BIRTHDAY (unforgivable) and feeling like the shittiest friend. Knowing once I get out of this hot, hot hellhole, everything will be okay. Last semester. Last chance.

That's basically it. Ready to get out of here for a little bit. Mom and Dad said they'll take me to the zoo when I get home. I love the zoo. I have to get my wisdom teeth out, though, sadly, which is very depressing. They're putting me under and I'm writing my will just to make sure. I'll feel safer.
KKBB - goddamn narrator

Short update

It has been entirely too long since I've posted an entry. I read other people's entries almost every day, but I'm too lazy to compose one for myself. After a certain amount of time, it feels like it's been too long, and then I'd have to tell everyone what I've done in the past few months, and that would take forever, and then I think "some other time..." and then I let more time pass, and more time, and more time. So yeah. Hope y'all didn't think I was dead or anything.

So basically, for right now at least, I'm gonna fill you in on what's happening right now: I'm done school for the summer. Thank God, that last semester kicked my ass, but I got all A minuses, so that's good. I got a summer internship at Turner Classic Movies, so I'm super, super excited about that. I actually start there tomorrow, so I'm super pumped about that. I'm staying with my brother and his girlfriend in Marietta, outside Atlanta. It's pretty chill. I'ma sleep on a sofa bed for three months, but it's cool. I get to hang out more with my brother and that's very fun. I'm almost all unpacked, so that's good. Chris and Becky are playing WOW, and watching Buffy. I'm not really interested in either thing, but the Buffy is distracting me because I'm trying to understand the storyline. I found a lesbian allegory (for Tara's demonage) and my brother yelled at me for looking "too deep" for things and being a "crusader." Buh.

Anyway, I'm not dead and I have an internship and my life is busy. There are a lot of things I should really go into detail about, but if you want to know, I guess, ask me? I'm always on AIM, and I have a twitter now, and whatever. I'm so apathetic right now. I think I might go to bed early, to get ready for my first big day of internship. Whoooooo internship.
Bruce Willis kills helicopters

OTP Meme

Hey guys. Sorry about all the memes, but I'm trying to distract myself from all the work I should really be doing. And I'm gonna get on those song recommendations. I'll post 'em in a new entry so you don't have to scroll through back ones to get to comments. But for now, new meme!

Pick up to 15 OTPs.
Describe them in less than 15 words.
Have your flist guess the OTP.

1. i'm only funny when i'm around you / me too
2. i'm not gay, never kiss me again
3. you pound the squeezebox, i'll strum the guitar John/John, They Might Be Giants, my_snailshell
4. your dad is a character, but i love you anyway
5. skip to the end; i love you Tim/Daisy, Spaced, zeddish
6. someday i'll know how i made you love me, Fry/Leela, Futurama, zeddish
7. blue into green; super best friends
8. i wasn't talking about the comic Banky/Holden, Chasing Amy, pipry23
9. this is your girlfriend talking to you!
10. we've got to get to the bottom of this, partner Nicholas/Danny, Hot Fuzz, zeddish
11. just say it three times; i'll be there Beetlejuice/Lydia, Beetlejuice, zeddish
12. we'll fight them off together, even your brother (but not mine)
13. i'm too hard, and you're just a kid John McClane/Matt Farrell, Live Free or Die Hard, turkeyanne
14. dude
15. whyyyy are you such an idiot? / i'm not sure, but here it goes

Some of them (I think) are pretty easy, some are a little more obscure. Now it's time for y'all to guess them! Please give me something to do while I'm procrastinate. Take a wild guess. I love wild guesses.

Gotta go now, watching Airheads with Caitlin and Jackie in order to make everyone procrastinate. OMG GROUNDHOG'S DAY JUST STARTED. THAT IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES. OMG WE'RE WATCHING IT.
  • Current Music
    the sounds of bill murray's brilliance
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edgar laugh

Story and Song Meme!

I decided to MAKE UP MY OWN MEME. Take that, internet. Well, I'm sure it's been done before, but I didn't see it anywhere recently and I just had the idea because of an interesting thing that happened to me today:

I was at work where this crazy group Cirque de Masque was performing. In the beginning of the show, this mime/clown thingy grabs people and makes them dance onstage with it while this infectious song plays. Today was the last day, my co-worker Steve sang along to the song at one point. "What is this song?" I asked him. "It's pretty damn catchy." He looked at me like I was a complete idiot. "This is Mika, don't you know Mika?" I explained that I had only heard of him before, but never actually heard him. Pathetically, I looked him up once because a bunch of people said Edgar looked like him. So I went home and downloaded the song for free. I enjoyed it so much, I actually purchased the whole album from iTunes! This is incredibly rare for me! But I got an iTunes GC for X-mas so I figured, what the hell? Might as well, right? I've already listened to the song (Love Today, incidentally) like, four times since I downloaded it about twenty minutes ago.

The entire point of this story is that I am always late to the bandwagon, and I should listen to my friends when they mention currenty music things. You guys are all way cooler than me, so I'm sure you're all listening to awesome music that I might stumble upon by myself in like, a year or two. I think we should speed up that process so I can stop being late to the carnival. SO I'VE MADE A MUSIC MEME. THIS IS HOW IT WORKS:
In the comments, recommend a song for me. It doesn't have to be current, but it has to be a song that you think I haven't heard before (even if I'm aware of the band) and would enjoy. More than one song is fine, but don't go nuts because here's the catch: You must upload the song somehow. It doesn't matter if it's sendspace, megaupload, or if you simply email it to me. I am lazy and I won't go find it on my own. In turn for your time and thoughfulness, I will do the same for you! Hooray for the sharing of excellent musics!

So there it is! Feel free to copy it your own LJ, but don't feel obligated. I just would love to have some new music. Even though I've got like, 8 REM albums I'm wading through at the moment (side note: I fucking LOVE me some REM. Michael Stipe is my queero.) I am kinda OCD about collecting and labeling music. I'm always uploading old CDs of my dad's or downloading billboard top 100s because I feel there are some songs I need to just have, incase I am in some situation where I want to play a really obscure hip hop song I don't even like that much (coughThongSongcough). Now that I'm rambling, I should probably go work on some homework or do something mildly productive.

Gotta blast!
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